Saturday, September 30, 2006

"Come Into My World"

I've only been in NYC for two months, but I read this the other day on Kulturblog and found that I do all of these things. I thought it would be funny to anyone who has been forced to use mass-transit.



GOAL: maximum efficiency and comfort while traveling underground

- From your entrance into the subway station until you’re standing on the platform, walk swiftly. That extra-step advantage will often be the difference between being five minutes early and ten minutes late.

- Have your metrocard out before you reach the turnstyle. This could cost you your extra-step advantage (and that of others behind you).

- When the stairs are divided by the handlebar, it’s often (but not always) advantageous to descend on the left side (typically the side of those ascending) because they can see you coming and will move (as opposed to the right side where people don’t care about those descending behind them).

- Similarly, escalators are often not the fastest way to descend as they get clogged with people who just stand and don’t move to the side. It’s usually faster to just go down the stairs at your swift pace than stop and ask people to move to the side of the escalator.

- If the train hasn’t come yet find your Strategic Location on the platform. Your Strategic Location is where on the train is closest to the exit of your destination stop. If you ride the same route enough you’ll know exactly where to stand when the train pulls in and not be stuck between doors when the train stops.

- If you see someone you know on the platform (but they don’t see you) and don’t want to talk to them, walk away. No location advantage is worth an entire subway ride in an awkward, strained conversation.

- If all the cars except one are full, there are only two possible reasons: 1) stinky homeless person or 2) no air-conditioning. Whether or not you should get on that car is simple math: If your Tolerance For Piss (TFP) / Love Of Sweating (LOS) > Distaste For Crowded Car (DFCC) then climb aboard and have a seat. If your TFP/LOS < DFCC then you better go to the next car and squish in.

- If you're catching the train as the door closes try to get your foot in before it closes all the way. Once you accomplish this there is no need to force the door open with your hands, the conductor will eventually have to open the door to let you in.

- If there are seats available the best ones are those right next to the doors. The reason for this is that a maximum of only one person can sit by you (the other side is the end-bar) but also gives a little breathing room (as opposed to the end-seats by the wall). Plus, they’re quick access to the exit doors.

- If there are no seats available the best location to stand is right next to the doors with your back facing the door. This allows two things: 1) Quick access to exit. 2) Support for leaning. Support is good to both rest your legs and to free your hands (and it’s always good to avoid touching the subway butter that gathers on the bars). It’s important to lean against the frame of the door until the train gets going because the doors will often open and close multiple times before going. It is also preferable to be on the side of the train to which you will eventually exit.

- When standing in the middle of the train you need three points of contact to account for the front-to-back and side-to-side movement. (My personal preference is for my feet to be front/back and hand holding a bar for the side-to-side)

- Always offer pregnant women (and elderly and disabled) your seat. If you’re standing, however, they don’t have any claim to your spot by the door (unless they ask) because it’s not generally recognized as the best-position-to-be-in-when-standing.

- Politeness (almost) always prevails.

"You Spin Me Right Round"

Below are my celebrity look-a-likes. Don't be alarmed if you don't know who any of these so-called "celebrities" are because I don't know who most of them are myself. Although I do find it pretty funny that Tobey Maguire is one of my twins! I officially look like a boy!

Friday, September 29, 2006

"Typical Situation"

For those of you in Utah...

Here is a picture of a typical night in NYC... Meaning these are the girls I usually hang out with....

"Tryin To Throw Your Arms Around The World"

Today I was in the ghetto...

We approached the door of the project and a group of homie-g-funks were sitting on the stoop like they usually do, but this time they started yelling "Snowflake, snowflake, where you goin girl? bla bla bla..." I looked around and realized I was the only white person in sight. My supervisor looked and me and said, " You know they're talking to you right?"

Now, I have been called a "Milk Bomb" before, but never a "Snowflake."

I guess all I have to do is visit the hood for a little boost to the good old self esteem!

Snowflake... Here I come!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

"Deja Vu"

Reading My Other Bros latest blog entry inspired me to write a post.

I too have the tendency to laugh at inappropriate times (especially when I'm with Michele). I feel like I should be past these kinds of things, but sometimes you just can't help it--The laughter comes and there is nothing you can do about it.

Here are some times when I should have controlled my laughter but didn't...

1. I think sacrament meeting is a time when controlling laughter is the hardest and, at times, impossible. It seems that I get the giggles a lot in sacrament. Anyway, last year in my ward in SLC one of the regulars to bless the sacrament had the funniest voice. The way he spoke was exactly how God always speaks on church movies. Every time he blessed the sacrament I found myself laughing uncontrollably. Our apartment called the man with the voice "The Voice of God" or "VOG".

It just so happens that in my new ward in NYC we have the "VOG 2". Yes it's true, last Sunday a man blessed the sacrament in the same voice and immediately had to put my head in lap and lay there the entire sacrament because I was giggling. I think it should be a new rule that VOG shouldn't be allowed to bless the sacrament, they may think they're doing a good job imitating God, but it ruins the spirit for those of us who find it rather hysterical that they bless the sacrament in that voice.

2. When it comes to sacrament some of the best moments are in testimony meetings. In the last year I've had some major giggle fests during testimony meetings. Let's see.. there was the time a girl thanked God for her stiletto shoes... the time a girl called "Joseph Smith a stallion".... the time somebody asked "What if Jesus had chosen the pocket book?" when she was talking about how her parents wanted her to marry a rich person.. the list goes on and on.. but in Mormon culture testimony meetings can be quite hilarious.

3. For some reason I always find myself laughing when I have to talk to waiters. It's just my immaturity, but if there is anything odd about a waiter it is impossible for me to order without laughing. This is especially bad because I'm sure I've had stuff done to my food due to my inability to control my laughter.

A couple weeks ago I went out to lunch with some girls from school, and our waiter was pretty strange. He came to our table and just stood there-- no greeting, no specials, NOTHING. I started to giggle, and my peers started to order. I had to order my food laughing. It was pretty bad, but how awkward is it for a waiter to just stand there and expect the table to start ordering?

4. The Social Work profession tries to emphasize using person first language. This basically means using language that puts a person before their label, or trying not to use labels at all. At times this practice gets rather difficult, but in one of my classes our professor stresses this and calls people out on it all the time.

The other day in class a girl started talking about one of her clients who was a pedophile, and our teacher asked the girl to rephrase the way she talked about her client. She asked the professor how she wanted her to describe the client without using the word pedophile. Our teacher told her to describe what her client had done. The girl proceeded to tell us what made her client a pedophile. (She was obviously uncomfortable with this, but continued to please our professor.)

At this point, a normal, mature adult, would be able to handle this, but I started to giggle. I mean, honestly I think that's taking the person first language a little too far. I think everyone in the class would have preferred the use of the label than hearing the details of the case.

5. Last week I attended institute and there was an investigator there. She was sitting across the room from me so she wasn't aware of my laughter, but she kept making the strangest comments. Her comments weren't about doctrine or anything, they were just comments made to people to try to be friendly, but I had to try so hard to hold in my laughter. Sometimes you just wonder about people. She's a funny one.

6. In my building we have a small, crappy elevator. If anybody else is in the elevator with you it's hard to not look right at them because it's so small in there. Sometimes I find myself giggling it's pretty awkward being crammed in there with strange people. Sometimes I laugh right out and then make up some conversation with Michele about why I'm laughing like, "Remember how funny that was last night when bla bla bla..." I hope this covers up my laughter, but I'm not so sure how convincing it is. Everybody in my building is going to think of me as the girl that always laughs in the elevator (or veeter vator as Paul would say).

7. In my summer class there was a boy who was so strange. I mean really, he was one of the most socially awkward individuals I have ever seen. I don't know how he expects to work in social work when he will actually have to interact with people. Anyway, every time I he would comment in class Michele and I would start giggling. To cover it up in class I would pick up my water bottle and start drinking water. Usually that would get the giggling under control.

8. I've been on a Grey's Anatomy kick recently. Michele and I were rewatching the Season 2 Finale last week with a boy in our ward. If any of you have seen the show you know that there is a heated sex scene with Meredith and McDreamy in that episode. So the sex scene came on and I just started busting up. The boy we were watching with kept asking, "What are you laughing at?" And I kept responding "Nothing.. it's nothing." I think he was pretty weirded out. I would have been if I was him. I mean busting up about a sex scene, does it get any more immature than that? I don't think so.

So there you have it... 8 moments of laughter that probably shouldn't have happened, but it's moments like these that keep life interesting right?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

"Displaced"

I've come to the conclusion that my posts have been pretty lame lately. I think I used to have so many things to talk about, but lately NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. The thing is a lot of funny things happen to me lately, but I just can't blog about them for some reason.

I'm gonna try to be better.

Maybe tomorrow I'll think of something exciting to post here.

Until then... Lameness is all I have to offer.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

"Superfreak"

I saw Little Miss Sunshine over the weekend, and I loved it! I would highly highly recommend it. The entire audience was laughing throughout the entire movie. If you have a moody grandparent, you will especially enjoy the grandfather character. The whole movie was really enjoyable, and I think you should all flock to theatres to see it.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

"Nothing Left to Lose"

So once I lived in NYC, and I had some pretty good friends come and visit me...





We started out buying some sweet hats to try to fit in with the urban chic scene.. it was terribly unsuccessful...












We rocked the NYC nightlife with our hot dance moves...




















Did I mention the NYC chic look?.. I tried again to pull it off with these glasses... I failed again...




















We ate some $11 burgers... Unfortunately that was the cheapest meal of the trip...




















Then I held the camera out and took a picture of the weird ones...




















We went to Times Square and everyone wanted to take pictures of us...



















it rained and rained and rained some more... We were wet dogs...



















Look... We glowed while we were on the Staten Island Ferry




















These are some homeless girls that were sitting across from us on the subway...




















We came out of this store with a lot of white bags and nobody was sure how that happened....




















Oh ya.. We got stuck in the subway for a while and the rat king almost got us...

"Stay or Leave"

The friends have come and left. It's so fun to have people come visit in NYC, but it's also really really unbelievably hard when they leave.

While the roommates were here we had an amazing time. The dynamic was immediately the same as it had been for the last year. We joked around, rank ordered, and laughed as we chit chatted (sounds cheesy but we did).

They arrived really early Friday morning so we headed down to the Today Show to catch Jessica Simpson. It was a pretty funny morning. We ran into a paparazzi man and joked around with him for a while. We found out that a picture of J. Simp is worth more than one of Usher! Yes, it's true, "women are always worth more than men."

We were major tourists this weekend. Including a trip on the Staten Island Ferry, Ground Zero, Wall Street, The LDS Temple, The Village, Canal Street, and two Broadway shows Hairspray and Beauty and the Beast. OH ya and we shopped, shopped and shopped some more.

It was so fun to be with everyone again. The only bad part was I didn't want to go to sleep on Monday because I knew when I woke up on Tuesday real life would begin again!

Anyways.. this is an open invitation for anyone who wants to come visit NYC. We'll show you a pretty good time.